Funny statements from the documents

Here are a some funny statements we've found in some of the documents (mostly surgeons' certificates) of our Civil War soldiers.

• Slightly deaf in both eyes
• Have pain in stomach, especially when empty
• Constantly throwing off gas while in our presence
• Gums scared
• He is so spectacular in his pretensions of pain that he creates the suspicion of considerable exaggeration
• Every two or three weeks everything flies from him
• Is a splendid specimen of a healthy man
• Gastric flatulency troublesome as noticed in my presence
• Has with him at present ½ gallon of scales which he claims to have come off [left foot] within the last six weeks
• Soldier’s hands as soft as a lady’s
• We find him a weak, feeble, toothless and decrepit old man with thin white hair and beard looking like Rip van Winkle after his 20 years sleep.
• We find the right, as well as the left ear, completely closed by an accumulation of dust and wax, which upon being removed, discloses the ears to be in a normal condition. There is no loss of hearing.
• Thinks that the cause of dementia is that 3 years ago a friend of his slipped up behind him, grabbed him and said “take one with me,” placed a handkerchief over his mouth which he thinks was saturated with chloroform and forced him to take a dose of knock out drops, and later the same person slipped up and grabbed him by the testicles, which he thinks greatly injured him, and forced him to take another dose and robbed him of $18, that the party is a great ventriloquist and annoys him by throwing his voice to a great distance. Hears voices that threaten him and has all sorts of ideas which are not true and have no foundation.
• On duty drilling awkward squad